I was a fool for thinking this wouldn't affect me…
April 1st – the famous day for April Fools. It was always a fun day to plan a joke and then shout “April Fools” followed by lots of laughter.
But this day changed for me in 2001.
My grandfather had moved in with my family and me due to his declining health. At this point he and my grandmother were no longer together after a very long marriage and six children, one being my mother.
On April 1st, 2001 the day started just like all the others. But this year turned out to be very different.
My grandfather had called my grandmother. During their phone conversation, my grandmother told him that their marriage was over; she no longer wanted to be in the marriage after years of trauma.
History fact: My grandfather was with Adolf Hiltler's mistress in NYC and had baby dolls she gave him. My mother still has them to this day.
My grandfather was heartbroken, and we could all tell. Even at only 12 years of age, I could tell how much his heart broke.
I tried to make him happy as he had done for me my entire life. My grandfather felt like a father to me in many ways. When my mother was imprisoned and DCS wanted to take me, he and my grandmother took me to their home and protected me until my mom was released and could get her feet back on the ground. So he's the first father figure I honestly had, and I held that close to my heart.
As I mentioned, my grandfather had declining health. He was dying from lung cancer. This meant he needed to be on oxygen all the time. Unfortunately, he picked up smoking again. With his current situation, this was a big no-no and extremely dangerous as well.
He kept the tank far away from us, especially for the safety of my little sister and me. Despite his efforts to shield us from the reality of his condition, it was clear that he was falling apart.
I wanted to head over to the neighbor's house to play for a bit so I let my grandpa know I'd be right back. I was only there for maybe 10 minutes. And as I returned back home, there laid my grandfather on the ground passing away.
I immediately began performing CPR and shouted for my mother, who worked in the medical field, to come help. She quickly took over, and we did everything we could to save him. Despite our efforts, we watched helplessly as my grandfather slipped away and lost control of his bodily functions.
I remember wishing and praying that the ambulance would get there. I remember thinking that it was too soon for him to leave. I wanted more time, especially at 12. I wanted so much more time.
But my mom stated he had a DNR (Do not resuscitate order), which means that he made a choice that no one could keep him alive. For those who may not be familiar, a DNR order is a legal document that informs medical professionals that a patient does not want to be resuscitated in the event of cardiac or respiratory arrest.
While I couldn't fathom why he would do this at the time, as an adult, I've come to understand more about my grandfather – who he was, where he came from, and the man he was, aside from my grandfather.
This day remains one of the most difficult experiences of my life, leaving a lasting impression that forever changed me. It was a traumatic event that shattered my sense of security, taking away the one person who was always there for me.
He was my safety blanket, the one who lifted me up when I fell or had a bad dream. He was the man who took me out on a four-wheeler, taught me how to shoot, and showed me the beauty of the great outdoors.
His absence left a void in my heart that felt impossible to fill, and it took me years to even look at a picture of us without falling apart. In 2004, I finally mustered up the strength to watch a home movie with him in it, recorded on a VHS tape (yes, VHS haha).
As I grew older and experienced life's ups and downs, I realized just how much his passing impacted me in a lasting way. Through heartbreaks, abuse, and trauma, I thought of him and how much I wished he was still there with me. Even as I graduated from high school, got married, had my first child, and achieved other milestones, his absence was always felt.
I remember the day I went to the hospital to deliver my first child, and I looked up to the big beautiful blue sky, talking to my grandfather and wishing he could be there with me. Even though he was no longer physically present, I felt his love and support guiding me through one of the most significant moments of my life.
In the end, I realized that I was a fool for thinking his passing didn't affect me. It had shaped me into the person I am today and reminded me of the importance of cherishing every moment with loved ones.
See, we all have a story to tell, a purpose, and a drive that is unique to us. But we often allow our stories to hold us back, or we let them propel us forward.
As I reflect on my grandfather's legacy and the impact he had on my life, I know that he would be proud of the woman I am today. I have broken the cycle of my family's struggles and emerged as a strong leader who is determined to keep pushing forward.
For a long time, I was afraid to share my truths and my traumas, thinking that they held me back. But I have come to realize that they are the very things that made me who I am today. They gave me the strength to fight and become the best mother and person I could imagine.
I am not perfect, and I have flaws like everyone else. But I believe in owning my truth, being true to who I am, and speaking out when necessary. Life is a journey, and it's up to us to decide who we become. And I choose to be a cycle breaker, a fighter, and a leader who embraces her past while creating a brighter future.
So I encourage you to embrace your own story, your own journey, and your own truth. Don't let your past define you, but rather use it as fuel to propel you forward towards a better tomorrow. And always remember, who you become is up to you!
